Letter to Jamie Cullum

Dear Jamie Cullum,

I am actually writing to you not because I specifically wish to write letters to you, but because my friend Josh is a big fan of yours. You probably get lots of letters like this, and don't have the time to read all of them, but I think you should read this one, for Josh's sake. That is not me telling you what to do, mind,
because that would be presumptuous of me and fairly impolite. I merely suggest gently that you continue to read this jumble of prose, but if you don't I won't get upset. Josh might, though, but I'll give him a cup of tea and maybe he will recover.

Josh has never seen you live. I have promised him that the next time you play in the vicinity, we shall attend your concert. I did express concerns that he might faint, and I would have to ask a kindly looking burly man to catch him. Josh is very tall, you see, so it would be quite impractical for me to catch him. Perhaps I should train to catch Josh? It is inevitable he will be so filled with joy and wonder at the sight of you that he swoons and collapses, and as his friend I should support him. Literally. It would be kinder than forcing a stranger to intervene.

Really, I'm not sure what to write in this letter. I wrote a letter to Danny Wallace because he is amazing and wonderful (if you haven't heard of him I think you should look him up on Amazon, he is very funny and I'm sure you get bored on tour so his books would be able to stop your boredom and entertain you) and asked Josh if I should follow it up with one to you. He said I should, in French. Sometimes Josh speaks in other languages. This is because Josh is very clever. I am sure you would be impressed if you were to have a conversation with him. He can speak Russian, French, Italian, and even English! I apologise, that sounded a little like I was trying to advertise Josh to you. Josh is a person, not an object. He is a very good person, as far as people go, though. I will stop talking about Josh now, since you will probably meet him one day and find out what he is like for yourself.

I expect most people write to you with requests for signed pictures and things. I feel that is a bit cheesy, to be honest. I'm sure it makes people very happy, though. If you do feel like sending Josh your autograph, let me know. I could provide an SAE or something. His birthday is in November and I'm sure he would love it. Then again he might faint into his birthday cake and that would be quite sad. I would have to make sure someone is there to catch him. Nobody else in our flat would be able to, since we are all shorter than Josh. He is very tall. He is not a giant, though.

Actually, maybe you would be interested to know that I play the piano too? I don't play jazz music though, I like to play Baroque. I can also whistle very well. I note that you use whistling as a wonderful flourish in the song "Get Your Way". It is the only song of yours I own, since I usually listen to rock music. What sort of music do you like? I am sure Josh would appreciate some recommendations. Josh also likes rock. He is a well-cultured person. Sorry, I said I'd stop going on about Josh. Sorry.

I know I keep going off on tangents, but I ought to explain a bit more. I wrote to Danny Wallace for career advice, since I thought broadcasting and writing amusing books would be fun. (You can read my original letter here.) However, my ultimate aim is to become a music journalist. This is where I think you might be able to help me. Have any journalists ever said anything horrid to you? Is there anything I should avoid when interacting with musicians? (Actually, you might include "writing strange letters" as an answer to that. Please don't. It would hurt, and I'm sure you don't like upsetting little girls. Josh might have to make me TWO cups of tea to calm me down.)

To be honest, I'm quite moved by the reaction you cause in Josh. Your musical prowess is something that provokes such a feeling of adoration in him, simply unimaginable. He worships you. I don't really know how you feel about this, since I don't know you very well. At all. If someone felt the same way about my music as Josh does about yours, I would be quite overwhelmed, honestly.

I'm sorry to just attack you with all this information. It is a little forward of me. Perhaps you won't ever read this. That would be quite sad, since Josh does love you a lot. Not as a person, since he doesn't know you, but as a musician. Maybe you can give me some advice on what to do about Josh's infatuation? It's not very healthy in a 19 year old man. He should be out riding motorcycles and doing reckless things like that, not sitting indoors glued to the radio with your music on repeat.

I wonder how you are, today? People probably don't stop to consider that you might just want an ordinary conversation. I expect you won't have to time to reply, but you might say "I'm fine, how are you?" In which case, I'm fine too. I have a bit of a cold though. I hope you don't get ill on tour too much. That would be quite annoying. I can't be in a band because I get sick a lot. It's not fair, but I have accepted it. This is why becoming a music journalist is a better occupation. Music journalists do not typically go on tour.

Well, I think I've written enough. If you've managed to read this, thank you very much, it's very kind of you to do so. Josh and I both appreciate it very much. If you didn't read this, we are mildly upset but we understand you are a busy man.

Then again, maybe you don't get many letters like this one...

Yours sincerely,

Rajitha.

PS: My friend Sarah likes your cover of "Frontin'". I also enjoy it, I think it is a relaxing listen.
PPS: I just went on your website and I note that you request people make a donation with their signed photo requests. This is a good idea. Perhaps I will do this for Josh, so you can ignore the bit above about autographs.
PPPS: Since I wrote this I managed to offend Josh so now I have to get your autograph to make it up to him. I would have got it for him anyway because I am good friend, but this means it is imperative I do so. Don't worry, Josh and I are still friends, because our friendship doesn't depend on things like autographs.